Chainsaw
by Elle Leigh
Summary: "Love is shady. Love is tragic. It's hard to bury the hatchet when you're holdin' a chainsaw." Hermione centric, Ron's-a-cad trope, drabble-esque one-shot. Humor with a sprinkle of crack.


**Author's Note:** Hey, kids! It's been quite awhile since I've posted anything, I know. What can I say? Life has been crazy busy.  
So this lovely little piece was inspired by the song Chainsaw by The Band Perry. I'm not generally a fan of country music, but there are a few songs that I just love, and Chainsaw is definitely one of them. If you haven't heard it before, I suggest you hop on YouTube to check it out.  
This little one-shot is drabble-esque. I had to work really hard to not go into too much detail. We all know what a wordy bitch I am, so this coming out under 2k words is quite a feat for me. :) I hope you all enjoy it for what it is. I like to think it's humor, sprinkled with a bit of crack. *snorts* Crack, indeed.

 **Not beta'd, so any mistakes are my own.**

 **Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Harry Potter and all associated characters belong to JK Rowling.**

* * *

 **Chainsaw**

How Hermione Granger came to be on Hogwarts grounds in the middle of the night is anyone's guess. It was obvious Apparation had a part in her arrival, but there were many blank spots in her memory of the last hour or so.

Being in a blind rage will do that to a person.

* * *

Ronald Weasley had always had the ability to make Hermione's temper flare. From practically day one of meeting him, she had become even more high strung and quick to anger than she had been before. It was just his nature and hers. She knew that. And she was more than willing to overlook that issue when she realized a handful of years later that said anger and frustration either took a backseat to other feelings or could be put to use in far more interesting ways.

A bookworm? Certainly. Brightest witch of the age? Most likely. A teenager with no interest in sex? Certainly not. She had merely had her priorities in check while still in school, is all.

So after Voldemort had finally been obliterated to nothing more than ash and things had settled down a bit in the wizarding world, it came as no surprise to anyone that she and Ron had bitten the bullet, stopped tap dancing around each other, and had begun dating. And for a short time, it was sheer bliss for Hermione. Though not the most romantic of fellows, Ron had his moments and managed to capture her heart more and more simply by being his awkward but fervid self.

Alas, it was not to last.

It was only about four months into their courtship that things came to a screeching halt, as they say. The "honeymoon period" of their relationship had come to an abrupt end several weeks into it when the celebrity/conquering hero bug bit Ron in the arse. While she and Harry had done their best to stay out of the spotlight unless forced otherwise, Ron had no problem whatsoever with preening like a poncy peacock in their place. Lucius Malfoy had nothing on Ronald Weasley when it came to stealing the show. While Hermione found Ron's behavior more than a little annoying, she tried to tell herself that being the last boy in a string of seven Weasley children—of whom only one was female—as well as forever being Harry's sidekick meant that he was entitled to a bit of harmless basking in said spotlight.

The pair of knickers that came by owl post early one morning while they were trying to have a lie in, however, was enough for Hermione to start losing her patience with her boyfriend.

While Ron thought the ... _gift_ was humorous and nothing to be concerned about, Hermione was not just disgusted—only Merlin knew who had worn them and where they'd been—but horribly offended, as well. All of wizarding England knew of Ron and Hermione's relationship. It was seconded only by Harry and Ginny finally getting together and becoming the wizard equivalent of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Hermione knew Harry had gotten a few questionable items due to his hero status, but Ginny, being the fiery redhead that she was, had resolved that problem almost instantly by going to the Daily Prophet and giving an interview. While everything she said regarding Harry's receiving frilly unmentionables could be considered humorous, the threat was there to anyone who wasn't blind. Needless to say, Harry never got anything questionable again. When Hermione tried the same approach after Ron continued to receive naughty underthings, it seemed like the trollops of the wizarding world took her warning as a challenge instead. The number and scant size of knickers increased exponentially.

It is with this in mind that Hermione really should not have been as surprised as she was to eventually find Ron in bed with one of the trollops.

While the sexual part of their relationship was anything but boring, it certainly wasn't as fulfilling as she had expected. Maybe they had known each other a little too long. Had been friends a little too long. Or maybe it was that Ron sweated like a pig during the act and felt the need to choke her with his tongue anytime they kissed. Regardless of the reasons, she knew that even Ron wasn't really feeling it, either. So when she got home early on this September evening from doing research in the Ministry Archives, she was shocked and horrified to find Ronald's lily-white arse bent over their dining room table as he was being pounded into from behind by none other than the pointy-faced and ferrety Draco Malfoy.

Hermione thought some of those thongs Ron had gotten were awfully odd looking.

* * *

She hadn't known whether to laugh or cry. So she chose to go with furiously incensed instead.

Sometime after storming the Burrow to tell the Weasleys she and Ron were finished, getting into a screaming argument with Molly about her precious boy, and raiding Arthur's shed full of Muggle contraptions he found interesting, Hermione managed to end up at Hogwarts.

A full moon enabled her to stalk across the grounds toward a small grove of trees near the Black Lake. Like a sure fire missile, Hermione homed in on one specific oak tree. This particular tree was probably the oldest of all the trees in the bunch. The trunk was thick and strong, the roots that were visible as big around as her wrists. Above her head, the leaves were lush and green, even at night. With her fingers trailing along the bark, Hermione circled the large tree. She stopped suddenly when she felt what she'd been looking for. Using her wand to provide more light, Hermione laid her eyes on a crudely carved heart with the initials RW and HG inside, complete with an arrow.

It had been a silly thing, carving their names into the tree. But it was one of the few girly things Hermione had always wanted for as long as she could remember. When she had told Ron about it, he had laughed, but thought it cute. So he had Hermione conjure a knife and did it himself. She thought his doing it the old fashioned was to be a sign that they were truly meant to be together.

With a surprising lack of tears, Hermione removed her hand from the engraving and began to dig about inside her magically enlarged purse. Finally finding what she was looking for, the curly haired witch stowed her wand and pulled from her bag the Stihl brand chainsaw she had swiped from Arthur's shed. It was one of the largest chainsaws she'd ever seen. She also knew she'd likely kill herself trying to wield it, but oh, how it would be worth it.

Having set the beast of a saw on the ground, Hermione gripped the small handle on the starter cord and pulled with all her might. The saw sputtered a bit before choking to nothing. Clenching her teeth in such a way that would have her parents shrieking, she yanked again on the cord. This time, the saw roared for an all too brief second before sputtering to another stop. Cursing loudly, Hermione closed her eyes and prayed to whatever deity of retribution was listening. For a third time, she jerked on the cord and was scared nearly to death when the saw roared to life and stayed on. Using every bit of her strength, Hermione lifted the heavy piece of equipment and began cutting into the trunk of the oak tree.

* * *

Severus Snape was preparing to go to bed when he felt the tingle of Hogwarts' wards indicating someone had come onto the grounds. While the type of alert let him know the person was not a danger, it was still his job as Deputy Headmaster to find out who the intruder was and what he or she was doing here. Not bothering to alert anyone else, Severus quickly redressed in his typical garb and hastened out of the castle. As soon as he cleared the main doors and was outside, he heard the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw coming from near the Black Lake, the noise carrying easily through the quiet of the night. His mind was curiously blank as he quickly made his way toward the clamoring. Nothing but extreme curiosity as to who was cutting down a tree and why flitted through his thoughts.

The very full, very bright moon did nothing to hide the mane of curls that erupted from the head of the chainsaw wielder. Severus knew immediately who was cutting down one of Hogwarts' oldest trees, and he was somehow not at all surprised by her identity. With all the stealth of a panther, he stalked closer to the scene in front of him, not willing to scare the chit into accidentally maiming herself. Or him, for that matter. He stood and watched as the small woman somehow managed to use a very large and extremely heavy, professional grade chainsaw to methodically place cuts into the trunk of the defenseless tree.

Severus watched on with morbid curiosity as the young witch rather suddenly fumbled with the bulky saw until silence rang out across the land. Chucking the thing off to the side, she reached for her wand and cast a nonverbal spell that transfigured her trainers into what looked to be some sort of heavy duty work boots. The dark man found himself to be oddly taken by her strange outfit of tank top, shorts, and boots. Forcing himself out of his admiration of the girl's person, he watched on as she walked rapidly toward the tree and kicked at the trunk with the flat of her foot. There was a slight rustle of leaves and an eerie creak before the entire tree toppled over with a slight crack. Neither he nor Hermione flinched at the sound that echoed into the night air.

* * *

Hermione sneered at the felled tree before spinning around and plopping down on the stump. She was not at all startled to find Severus Snape standing a short distance away, watching her with wary interest. When he began to walk toward her, she lit her wand and pointed it at the trunk. She knew his keen eyes would immediately pick up on the jagged heart and initials inside it. Once he seemed to have seen his fill, he stepped back and spoke for the first time.

"Miss Granger, while I understand that you are obviously upset by whatever dramatic events led you to this point, was it truly necessary to cut down the entire tree?"

"No, sir, it wasn't."

"Then why, may I ask, did you?"

"Because cutting the damn thing down has made me feel much better than a _Reducto_ ever would have."

Her former professor seemed to mull this over for a moment before glancing across the calm waters of the Black Lake toward a tree several times larger than the one she had just cut down. She immediately recognized it from his worst memory of James and Sirius bullying him. The one where he managed to lose Lily Evans forever. An innocent tree that was no more than background, but a harsh reminder nonetheless.

Without saying a word, Hermione shoved up from the stump and ambled over to pick up her purse and weapon of choice. Turning toward the silent man, she held the saw out toward him and raised an eyebrow in askance. The glittering of Snape's eyes was answer enough. He quickly took hold of the chainsaw and began walking with deliberate steps toward the tree he had eyed just a minute or so before, his robes billowing dramatically behind him. Hermione felt her lips curl into a smile that Snape himself would have been proud of before plodding along behind him.


End file.
